Illusions of Reality
by Bensler
Summary: Munch and Fin's new case causes Olivia to recall one of hers and Elliot's from years past that will always haunt her. EO. What more can I say?


**Illusions of Reality**

**by Bensler**

****

A/N: _Hope you like this. I told you I wanted to try my hand at something shorter. I'm having trouble tying some things together in 'Keep It in the Family'..though I do have two more chapters ready...and thought a break might help me out._

_By the way, after many rejections, I have gotten my story "Just Below the Surface" posted on SVUFiction! I was so excited! Well, you know what to do...so please, read and review! Oh...I can think of a lot of things to do with this story, if you guys think I should give it a try...or should I let it be? Let me know. " ) Bensler_

_P.S. Can you find the three titles of my other stories in this?_

**_eoeoeoeoeo_**

**Streets of Manhattan ∙ Late Thursday Afternoon, June 5**

Faded red filled her vision to her right...bricks on the buildings...the traffic in the street, the people filling the sidewalks, trying to move out of her way, blurred into streaks of various colors on her left as her legs carried her as fast as she could get them to move. She heard nothing except the pounding of her heart, the blood roaring in her ears, her breathing as she desperately pulled at the air, the slap of her boots against the sidewalk. He had been just ahead of her...three or four steps. That's all it would have taken to catch up and she would be with him, shoulder to shoulder, in sync, when they confronted the perp. But, she wasn't.

Tripped. She had gotten tripped up by a bicycle messenger as he rolled onto the sidewalk and attempted to park at the stoop of a building. She saw him, too late, as her momentum carried her and she crashed into him and sprawled onto the sidewalk. The sting of the concrete digging into her palms registered only slightly as she cursed, refusing him as he tried to help her up. She swatted his hands away, jumped up and began running again, intent on her mission. Her knees were stinging, too, but she quickly forgot about them. Up ahead she watched as the sea of people parted and their curious eyes followed the pursuit, but their lack of interest quickly closing the pathway. She pushed herself to the edge, slowly gaining on him until she once again had him in sight.

**SVU Squad Room ∙ Earlier Thursday Afternoon, June 5**

Her fingers walked over the files looking for the proper place to return the one in her hand. She was determined to clear her desk before the weekend. They had been so busy the last three weeks, it seemed the paperwork took on a life of its own, multiplying and taking over not only her desk, but her world. She had finished all the current DD5s and given them to Cragen just before lunch. Now, she was slowly but surely whittling down the size of the stacks of files on the table behind her that had been residing on her desk.

She felt him rather than heard him and smiled to herself. Seconds later she heard the door to the room quietly close and seconds after that, she inhaled the fragrance that was an enticing mixture of his cologne, his soap, his fabric softener and simply him as he stepped into her personal space. The muscles of his arms flexed and twisted as he wrapped them around her waist from behind, his fingers touching the sliver of bare skin between her pants and shirt. Smoothly sliding his fingers under the hem so that his hands were pressed against the skin of her stomach instead of material, he pulled her to him, nestling her back against his chest. He leaned down, placing small kisses along the curve of her neck and shoulder.

"El...mmmm...you shouldn't do that..." She murmured as she leaned her head back into the hard, sculpted chest behind her.

"Why not? You know you like it..." His breath was hot on her neck, yet it sent chills hurtling down her spine.

"And that is exactly _why_ you shouldn't do it..." She closed her eyes, enjoying the sensations he was causing.

He put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. His blue eyes burning into hers, his hands slid from her shoulder up the side of her neck as he ran his fingers through her hair. He brought his lips dangerously close to hers and whispered. "If you like it...and I _know_ you do... why do you want me to stop?"

"Because we...we promised...Cragen to keep it out of work...and because you...you should never...start s-something you...you can't finish..." Her stammered words trailed off, her resistance growing weaker by the second, as his hands continued massaging her scalp and neck.

"What makes you think I can't finish this, huh, Liv?" He brushed his lips ever so lightly along hers.

That was it. She grabbed his waist with her left hand, erasing the slight distance between them, curled her right hand around the back of his head and pulled him down for a bruising kiss. When they broke apart, they were both gasping for breath.

"Talk about _me_ starting something..." Elliot grinned, kissing her lightly this time.

"Seriously, El...we need to stop." She raised her left eyebrow at him and gave him a playful push away from her.

He pouted, looking at her in a sideways glance. "You sure about this?"

"Yes." She replied firmly as she went to the door and opened it. Peeking out, she was satisfied that no one seemed to be paying any attention.

"You're killing me, you know that, right?" He groaned and reached for her as she walked back to the file cabinet, file in hand.

"El..." She was not sure if she were pleading with him or warning him. She took his hand and squeezed it, quickly letting it drop again.

"Okay...okay..." He held his hands up in surrender.

Just then Cragen leaned in, hands propped on either side of the doorway. "Got something for you. Washington Square Park. Three different women have called 911 to report a man that seems to be trying to entice young girls in the park. A fourth call...eleven year old molested in the ladies room. Get going."

**Washington Square Park ∙ Thursday Afternoon, June 5**

Elliot was driving their department issued worn-out, brown cruiser. He glanced at the woman in the passenger seat and felt his heart skip a beat. She was looking out her window, her mind somewhere else. He reached over and took her left hand in his right.

"Liv.." He called her name softly.

"Hmmm..." She turned to look at him.

His blue eyes sparkled and crinkled when he smiled at her. "I love you."

Bringing his hand to her lips, she kissed his scarred knuckles. "I love you, too, El."

He had been in love with his partner for years. He really was not certain when he fell for her. Maybe it was the first day he met her though it would have been her beauty he fell for then. But, over the years, he had fallen for her, the woman. Her compassion and kindness. The way she could soothe a traumatized victim, especially the children. The way she put every one else's need above her own. Her selflessness. Her strength in the face of the evil they faced day in and day out was amazing. Her laughter. How she could laugh. Not a demure, polite laugh, but from deep within, giving it everything she had whether it was a soft chuckle or a hysterical roaring laughter. It was infectious. And when she smiled? Her smiled brightened his darkest day.

She had been assigned as his partner, but became his best friend. When Kathy left him, she was there to pick up the pieces. The intense feelings he had for Olivia frightened him so much he pushed her away and she ran. When he went home again, he knew he had shattered her heart and his guilt caused him to distance himself from her even more. Several incidents caused him to realize that he had never stopped loving her and slowly, they began to mend their friendship. The second time Kathy left him, he knew it had to be over, once and for all. He and Olivia became closer than ever and eventually, he found the nerve to tell her he was in love with her. That she loved him, too, was beyond anything he could ever have hoped. Five months after his divorce, he asked her to marry him and she said yes.

They had been married for three and half months. Cragen was the only one who knew, though he was sure Maureen and Kathleen, his two oldest kids, suspected. They were trying to keep it a secret long enough for the captain of the Brooklyn 75th to retire in a few months. Elliot was up for captain and the brass had already interviewed him and it was between him and another candidate. Cragen was certain they were going to pull Elliot for the position. Then they could be open about their relationship. Until then, he agreed to turn a blind eye as long as they were able to keep the personal stuff out of the office. When had they _ever _kept the personal stuff out of the office, Elliot wondered?

Pulling into the park area, they saw the crowd of adults and children along with two NYPD uniforms and two park security officers. Flashing their badges to the others, they went up to the officer who was talking to several parents.

"Detective Stabler...this is my partner Detective Benson, SVU. What we got?" Elliot was immediately filled with rage as he saw the crying girl who was hiding her face against her mother.

"Jodie Greene, eleven years old, went to the restroom, but as soon as she entered the ladies room someone grabbed her from behind and began to...to...well...you know." The officer began to blush as he looked at Elliot and then Olivia.

Elliot nodded, thinking that when they caught this pervert, he might just have to have an 'accident'. He watched as Olivia knelt in front of the crying, terrified girl.

"Jodie? Sweetie? I'm Olivia. My partner, Elliot and I are police officers." She held her badge up for Jodie to see. The girl reached out her hand and touched it. Olivia smiled. "Can I ask you some questions?" She looked up at Jodie's mom, who nodded.

After questioning her and two other girls the man tried to entice, they checked out the surrounding area and restrooms. As they were coming out of the last one, they heard a scream. Taking off toward the sound, they saw a young girl pointing and screaming.

"There he is, Mama! That's the man that touched me!" She was crying and running to her mother.

A man with a green tee shirt and black cargo shorts, strolling casually down the path, looked up at them. He tore off running across a grassy field, heading for the traffic and anonymity of the crowded city streets just beyond the perimeter of the park.

Benson and Stabler were hot on his trail. When he crossed the street and headed left, to the east, she called for backup, giving their location and the general direction of where the suspect was heading. They ran, she, just a step behind, like always. He was faster, but she had more endurance and was able to run longer. Elliot slowly increased the distance between them, decreasing it between he and the suspect. No matter, because she was never far behind.

**Benson Residence ∙ Thursday, Early Morning, June 5**

Snuggling next to her husband, she did not have the slightest inclination to get up and start the day when the alarm clocked interrupted her thoughts. She turned slightly to slap at it, silencing it. She had awakened ten minutes before it began its morning ritual of ending her sleep. She was lost in thoughts of the man who lay beside her, his right arm thrown across her waist possessively, his hand splayed upon her abdomen. She played with the hairs on his arm, gently running up and down and finally to his hand to entwine their fingers.

She loved him. With all that she had in her, she loved him. She had thought she loved him, was in love with him when she had to be satisfied to do so from a distance. But, this last eight and half months had been incredible, indescribable. She honestly did not know it was possible to love someone so much, so intensely, so fiercely. She would do _anything_ for him. If something were to happen to him, she knew she would be right behind. She would not, could not survive without him. She thought that before, but now, after having what they had between them, having him with her, beside her everyday, all day...there was no way survival would be an option apart from him.

She loved the mornings like this, when they could wake up beside each other. She could not wait until they were free to announce their marriage and finally live together all the time. They spent most of their waking moments at his apartment because it was closer to the precinct and much bigger because he had the kids in and out. Being Catholic, living together without marriage was not an option and Elliot really was not okay with that anyway, so when the kids were there she had to sleep at her place. Alone. She hated it. It surprised her how easily and quickly she become used to having someone, Elliot, around all the time. She used to think she liked her space and time alone. But, with him, she was more than satisfied to have him around all the time.

Not wanting to wake him just yet, she carefully turned on her side, throwing her left leg over his right gently pulling it closer to her. She remembered how she had been so in love with him but knew she could never have him because he was married. In her daydreams, she would pretend that he loved her, too. But, she knew they were nothing more than illusions. Something desired but not possible. But, now? Now, it was reality. Her reality. He _did_ love her. Facing him, she trailed her the fingers of her left hand down the right side of his face, scraping her palm against the rough, scratchy surface of his stubble. How she loved this man. She thought she could just look at him the entire day. Memorizing everything about him. Dropping her fingers to his lips, she smiled. They did not look like they would be, but they were so soft. She remembered the first time he kissed her.

They had been in the middle of an argument and she would not let him get a word in edgewise. One minute she was standing there blasting him verbally, his blue eyes narrowed in anger, his lips set in a thin line, hands on his hips, that vein on the side of his neck pulsating and suddenly he reached for her, pulled her to him roughly and kissed her. Hard. It seemed to surprise him as much as it did her. They had stared at each other in disbelief and then fell into each other's arms and kissed again. This time slowly, gently. It was unlike any kiss she had ever experienced.

"Whatcha grinning at, Mrs. Stabler?" Opening one blue eye half way, a lazy smirk on his lips, he called her by her legal name.

His heart swelled with pride that she was officially a 'Stabler' and he could not wait for them to be able to let the world know. He reached for her left hand, his fingers turned the platinum band on her ring finger around, feeling the five small diamonds that were set in a straight line. He did not believe anything could make him happier than knowing that the woman he was so in love with now wore his name. She always remembered to wear her wedding band when they were home together. He wore his, too.

"Oh...just playing out a scene in my mind, Mr. Stabler." She kissed him.

"Anything I can do to help?" He asked gruffly, turning onto his back and pulling her on top of him, weaving his hands through her hair. She melded her body to his, placing a kiss on his chest, content to be held by him.

The snooze went off. She reached across him to turn it off then kissed him and pushed herself off of him. She reached down for his hand and pulled him up as she stood beside the bed. "Nope...we gotta get ready for work..."

"Ah, Liv..." He protested, scratching his chest.

"But, we _could _save water..." She smiled over her shoulder as she headed into the bathroom.

**Streets of Manhattan ∙ Late Thursday Afternoon, June 5**

The back of his head was in sight. She was positive she could catch up to him so he would not face the perp alone. She forced herself past her limit, steadily gaining on him. Then, suddenly he was gone from her line of vision for the second time since the pursuit began. Turning into an alley, she could no longer see him. As she neared the entrance, she heard the sound that no law enforcement officer ever wants to hear. The sound that sent sheer panic through her being. Gunshots. She held her service weapon tightly in both hands, extended from her body, ready to pull the trigger at a moments notice.

When she saw Elliot, standing, his gun still in his hand but his hands held up in surrender, she began to breathe again...slowly, unsure. The suspect had fired two shots, where, Olivia did not know, but Elliot did not seem to be injured.

"El? You okay?" The words stuck in her throat, now dry with fear.

He nodded once, never taking his eyes off of the suspect. "I'm not going to shoot...okay. Let's just talk this through..."

"No! There's nothing to talk about! I'm not going back to prison! I'm not!" The man screamed at Elliot, his eyes wild.

Elliot slowly took a step toward him, talking quietly. "Been in prison before, huh? What makes you think that you will have to go back?"

"Don't come any closer! I'll shoot! I swear!" His voice was loud, angry.

He was jittery, shaking, like maybe he needed a fix. It was different than if he had just been nervous about the situation. Olivia was sure he was on something or needed something to take the edge off. She was extremely worried.

"My name's Olivia...what's yours?" She asked softly, hoping to deflect his attention from Elliot.

He looked at her, blinking rapidly. He wiped at his nose with the back of his hand and looked at Elliot again. "K-Kevin."

"Kevin...we don't want to hurt you...we just need to talk with you, ask you some questions." She struggled to keep her voice calm and tried not to look at Elliot standing with a gun trained on him.

"Nothing to talk about...you're gonna send me back to prison..." His voice was quieter now and he ran his hands over his head. "What have I done? What have I done?" He started to cry and dropped the hand with the gun just slightly.

Elliot took that moment to take another step toward him. The gun hand was immediately back on him. "I told you don't come any closer!" He was back to screaming.

Olivia and Elliot saw the uniformed officers quietly coming in from the opposite end of the alley, behind Kevin. One of them failed to negotiate around an aluminum can and the ensuing noise caused Kevin to turn. Elliot went for him, but Kevin turned back and fired three shots just as Elliot grabbed him. Point blank. Into his chest.

Olivia fired her gun, efficiently taking Kevin down. The other officers ran to the scene and quickly secured the suspect. She heard an anguished, desperate scream and realized it had come from her. She ran to Elliot's side, kneeling, cradling his head in her lap.

"Liv..." His voice was gravelly, his breathing shallow and rapid. His eyes drilled into hers.

"What, Baby?" His face blurred from her tears as she worked to get hold of his shirt.

The blue was now a deep crimson, saturated with his blood. She ripped it open and saw two of the wounds. She placed her hands over them, sticking her fingers into the gaping holes, a futile attempt to staunch the flow of blood. Elliot's blood. Her husband's blood.

She could tell it was a struggle for him to breathe. "I...I...love...you..." He gave a small smile. "Don't...don't..." He took a deep, shuddering breath as his eyes fell shut.

"Don't what, El? Don't what?" She asked, silently cursing the EMTs for not being there yet.

He opened his eyes again, the bright blue fading just a bit, as he faded. "Don't quit...living...just cause...I'm...I'm gone..."

"Oh, El...you are not going anywhere! You hear me, Elliot Stabler! You are _not_ going anywhere!" Her tears fell onto his face. Her heart constricted with a pain so deep, so excruciating, she nearly passed out.

He reached out and placed his hand on her abdomen. "You...you gotta...be...str-strong for my...my baby...our child..."

Her tears came harder now. She had not told him she was pregnant yet. How did he know? She had reservations at their favorite Italian restaurant, Babbo's, this Saturday and she planned to give him the pregnancy test stick as a gift. She was so excited and knew he would be, too, because he loved children and had told her he wanted her to have his babies.

"Liv...promise...me..." He whispered, his voice becoming weaker as the blood loss began to take him from her. His eyes closed again.

"I promise! I promise! But you will be there with me to raise our baby together...you will! You hear me, El!!" She cried, covering his face with kisses.

She _saw_ him but she could not _feel_ him, sense _him_ anymore. Something was wrong. She still felt the weight of his head in her lap and his hand on her. But, not _him_. Not Elliot. Strong hands pulled her away. Away from him. From her husband. Away from her life. Someone's arms went around her and held her close. She strained her neck to see Elliot. Elliot lying in an alleyway, his beautiful eyes closed, his shirt covered in blood. EMTs hovering over him, checking his pulse, his heartbeat. He was so pale, so still. She was vaguely aware of others standing nearby. Munch and Fin. Her dull eyes caught theirs. Why did they look so sad? She pulled away from the person holding her so tightly, but he tried to keep her in his arms as though he were trying to protect her. From what? What was he protecting her from?

Then she heard the quiet voice of the EMT that came up to her and the man holding her. She realized now, though she still had not seen his face, that it was Cragen. Captain Cragen. Her captain. Elliot's captain. The man that had been like a father to her, the father she never had. She loved him and he loved her like a daughter. Yes, that was why he was protecting her. The voice spoke.

"I'm sorry, Sir, Ma'am. There were three gunshot wounds...too severe...there was too much blood loss...nothing could have been done." He delivered this news and went back to the task at hand.

She heard him tell someone to make sure the body went to the M.E. at the one-six. The body. Her husband was now a body. Oh, God. She wrenched free from Cragen and turned in time to see them begin to pull a sheet over the body. Over her husband. Over Elliot.

She ran to him, screaming. "No! No! Elliot!! Elliot! Don't leave me! I can't do this, El!! I can't live without you! Don't leave me! Oh, God, please! Don't let him die, please, don't let him die!" Her voice was becoming hoarse from screaming and crying.

She cradled his head in her arms, kissing his lips. Why weren't they warm like they normally were? She knew. She knew. Because she could no longer feel him, sense him. That connection, that bond, that awesome thing between them...it was broken. Irreparably. By death. She knew he was gone. Elliot was gone. Dead. She began screaming and screaming and hands were reaching for her, voices trying to soothe her. "Shhh...you're strong. You will get through this. You will be okay again. You'll be okay because that's what Elliot would want" No. No. She would never be okay again. She screamed his name again and again and again. "Elliot! Elliot!!"

**Stabler Residence ∙ Friday, Middle of the Night, June 6**

Sitting straight up in bed, her heart pounding so hard it made her physically ill, she wiped the perspiration from her forehead and noticed that her thin cotton gown was nearly soaked. She looked around, her eyes wide with the fear that lurked just below the surface of her rattled emotions until she realized the familiar settings. Her own bed, in her own room, in her own home. Safe. Warm. Nothing bad had happened. No one she cared about or loved had been hurt or worse. No one was presently in danger. She was not in danger. She was okay. Everything was okay. Her breathing calmed and the beat of her heart slowly returned to normal. She raked a shaky hand through her hair dampened with sweat. She inhaled deeply and exhale sharply.

The case that Munch and Fin had been on was so much like that case she and Elliot had several years back. Four years ago today, as a matter of fact. Yesterday, as she read their reports to compile them into a brief, she could not help but compare it to that case. She had relived every single moment of that day as she typed the information and watched as it appeared on her computer screen. She had felt every single emotion once again. Her and Elliot's case had turned out fine, but her dream had it ending in the tragedy they narrowly averted. A tragedy she could never live with, never survive. She hated being on desk duty, but for now, there was no way around it. Over the years in SVU, she had come to understand that nightmares were just part of the job that had conveniently been left out of the job description. They did not happen all the time, but they were always there, just below the surface and when they did occur, they could be utterly terrifying. Munch and Fin's case had precipitated her latest nightmare.

She gently pulled the covers away and got up, feeling around in the semi-dark for a fresh nightgown. Changing, she threw the damp one in the corner and crawled back into bed. The heaviness of sleep claimed her once again as she snuggled into the safety of her own bed. She never heard or saw him enter the room. But, her eyes flew open as she sensed a presence at her side of the bed by her night stand. Almost simultaneously, the bed shifted slightly under the weight of someone climbing onto it, the mattress groaning under the added weight, pulling the covers taut across her body. Fingers reached for her raking down her arms and her rib cage before his arms enveloped her and a whispered voice cut the silence of the air as a body came to rest upon her and sloppy kisses connected with her cheek and lips.

The soft glow from the hall nightlight shone across his face, illuminating his beautiful features. She looked into the familiar gorgeous bright blue eyes of the dark brown haired little boy and brushed his bangs out of his eyes. "Mommy...I scared...I sweep wif you and Daddy...'kay? 'Kay, Mommy? 'Kay?"

She scooted over, making room for him as she hugged him to her and kissed his head. "Okay, sweetie. But just for tonight." She whispered in his ear. "Let's try not to wake Daddy."

Even as she spoke those words, the man beside her, stirred, finally awakened by the whispering and movement. He turned and wrapped his strong arms around his wife and son, pulling her next to his bare chest and nuzzling her neck. "What's with all the whispering? Secrets? Tell me...I promise we'll keep it in the family...what's going on, babe?"

"Bad dream...just...a bad dream..." She told him, turning her head to grab a quick kiss from him.

"Me, too, Daddy...the lobster was biting my toes." Ben chimed in about his dream as his parents chuckled quietly.

They had been to the beach last weekend, stopping to eat at a seafood restaurant on the way home. Ben was enthralled with the tank of live lobsters and apparently they haunted his dreams.

"Well, you're safe now, big guy. But you have to sleep in your own bed tomorrow night. You're three years old...a big boy and you are going to be a big brother soon, so you have to be brave for your little sister, okay." He reached around his wife and her growing belly to tousle the dark hair of his little boy.

"Okay, Daddy." Ben snuggled into his mother's arms holding tightly to his Daddy's hand.

After a moment, his son's hand fell limp as he slept peacefully. Reaching to caress her face with his now free hand, the man leaned close to her ear and whispered. "Liv...you're safe now, too."

She smiled and pulled his big hand to her mouth and kissed his palm. "I know."

"I love you, Liv..." His deep voice was the barest whisper, full of the love he professed, his hand now caressing the swell of her body that was his baby, their little girl.

"Yea...I know. I love you, too, El." She murmured, as sleep began to claim her. Content, safe, loved.

"Mommy...I wuv you, too...and you too, Daddy." Benson Elliot Stabler whispered with a sleepy voice.

"I love you, too, Ben." Elliot and Olivia said in unison, in sync once again, just like they used to be, just like they were meant to be. Things were not complicated now at all. Not at all.

eoeoeoeoeo


End file.
